postgrad whirlwind

it has been a long time since i last posted. i have been burying myself in books which has been my favorite past-time recently. i have a great many updates for you. the first one being i graduated from penn state in may! cue the celebration and i've been doing things, and making a lot of hard decisions. i had an internship, i started seeking mental health treatment from a variety of places, in-network companies, out-of-network companies, hospitals with research clinics, all of it. and i started to make progress.

unfortunately, things got rough for a while. i cannot afford to compete in the pageant this year, which has been a big time bummer. and i almost found a job. i was in the pre-hiring process, and the company cancelled the job. they did not tell me until i had reached out to them and asked what the updates were and, nicely of course, what was taking so long. i was wondering if there was anything else they needed from me. and they decided to remove the position.

i found that out about three weeks ago. i had been substitute teaching while awaiting for this position to kick off, and now i am trying to figure out what to do next. my therapist told me that it's normal for me to feel this overwhelmed because post-grad is the first time that our lives aren't really mapped out for us.

i'm now sitting here, second guessing almost everything. do i want to do something with criminology? do i want to go back to school and do i have the ability to? if i go back to school, what would it be for? books bring me joy, should i pursue publishing? editing? journalism? do i try to tap into some more creative sides of me and try to write a book? sports also bring me joy, should i look into sports management? sport reporting? or do i let it all circle back around to law, and consider pursuing being a paralegal? in entertainment law, maybe? or is it really the criminal law that i enjoy?

these are the types of things that have been keeping me up at night recently. there are so many things i want to do, and so many things i want to be, and i get overwhelmed by this whirlwind in my mind and i freeze. there are three responses to stressful situations: fight, flight, and freeze. and right now i find myself frozen.

thank you for taking the time to read this.

x ally